March 9th, 2010
Why I Work
I had an appointment with my psychologist today. In talking about some of my concerns we’ve particularly been focusing on my childhood and how it has shaped me. I mean, we all know our childhood experiences affect our adult lives, and I’ve always been aware that the motivation for me to have a career and independence was rooted in my childhood experiences, with a mother who was so dependent on her spouse for financial support that she never seemed to be able to freely choose anything. But still, a lot of the time I am so busy living my life that I don’t really evaluate why I am the way I am or why I feel the need to make the choices I do.
I have worked fairly steadily since I was 13 years old. I babysat regularly when I was 13 and 14. I got a job at McDonald’s weeks after turning 15 and being considered old enough. I kept that job until I was 22 or so. When I finished high school I worked for a summer at a bank and then ultimately went back to McDonald’s and got a part-time job at a different branch of the same bank. When I went to college to become a paralegal I kept working at McDonald’s until I had my diploma and had a permanent legal assistant position. Other than maternity leaves I’ve never been unemployed, and of course I started my virtual legal assistant business when I realized I wouldn’t be returning to my paralegal job after having baby #3.
I am an extremely lucky woman today. My husband works in a field where we know he will make a good income that can support our family (well, most years). My husband does not expect me to work. But I DO work. I worked out of the home for most of our marriage and now I work from home. If my business is not the success I want it to be, I will go back to working out of the home. Not because I love working (although I do like what I do most days!) but because I need to feel like I have some independence and control. It sends me to a dark place when I feel like I don’t have enough control over money and the choices that relate to that (career or whatever).
I know a lot of people who think that being a mom is a full-time job (it is). And I know people who think if you are able to “afford” it, it’s best to focus on your children, at least during their early years. And that’s not wrong, but it is not for me. It’s easy if you haven’t been in someone else’s shoes to not understand why they make the choices they do. But some things run deeper than they seem. Working can be about so much more than money, for example. It can be about self-esteem and autonomy; it can be about control and security. And THAT is why I work. For me.
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I totally understand where you’re coming from. We’re not in a position where me not going back to work after this maternity leave is really a choice, but even if it were I would want to work anyway. Like you said, it’s that need for independence and security. There is a certain amount of power in knowing that you aren’t entirely dependent on someone else.
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If you’ve been working since you were 13, it’s part of who you are. You shouldn’t have to apologize for wanting to work, and you know what? It’s not going to hurt your kids one bit. Good for you for understanding who you are.
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I work for the same reasons, it keeps me motivated, it engages me, it makes me feel like I’m contributing. It keeps me whole. My children are obviously important to me, but they are just ONE part of what makes me whole. Much like work is my only focus. All parts, work, children, marriage, friendship, my self, extended family, all these parts make me whole. It’s okay that work is one of them. It’s good that you recognize it and fulfill it. If your like me it keeps you happy and if you are happy you are better mother!
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Hi! I’m so glad you stopped by.
This is a MAJOR deal to me. I work for me. Yes, i contribute half of the money to our household – but no matter what salary I’d make – I’d still have to work. I’m not cut out to be a SAHM. I’m not. I know it. And I’d be lying if I tried to make it differently. I’ve worked since about 12 (if you count the babysitting and paper routes) and in a drug store at 15…working my way through high school, paying for my college, etc.
I also think that I focus more on my kids when I am with them. Like the few hours before bedtime are 100% for them.
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And I’m glad you stopped by MommaKiss!It’s nice to meet other women who recognize the personal benefits of working!
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That is absolutely why I work… for me. I was actually surprised when I discovered that I wanted to stay home with my kids… and to work for myself so I could be in charge of my schedule. I want both and it’s not easy to find the balance. The way women (in general) judge each other about this issue is mind boggling to me.
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