Posts Tagged ‘kids’

March 9th, 2010

Why I Work

I had an appointment with my psychologist today. In talking about some of my concerns we’ve particularly been focusing on my childhood and how it has shaped me. I mean, we all know our childhood experiences affect our adult lives, and I’ve always been aware that the motivation for me to have a career and independence was rooted in my childhood experiences, with a mother who was so dependent on her spouse for financial support that she never seemed to be able to freely choose anything. But still, a lot of the time I am so busy living my life that I don’t really evaluate why I am the way I am or why I feel the need to make the choices I do.

I have worked fairly steadily since I was 13 years old. I babysat regularly when I was 13 and 14. I got a job at McDonald’s weeks after turning 15 and being considered old enough. I kept that job until I was 22 or so. When I finished high school I worked for a summer at a bank and then ultimately went back to McDonald’s and got a part-time job at a different branch of the same bank. When I went to college to become a paralegal I kept working at McDonald’s until I had my diploma and had a permanent legal assistant position. Other than maternity leaves I’ve never been unemployed, and of course I started my virtual legal assistant business when I realized I wouldn’t be returning to my paralegal job after having baby #3.

I am an extremely lucky woman today. My husband works in a field where we know he will make a good income that can support our family (well, most years). My husband does not expect me to work. But I DO work. I worked out of the home for most of our marriage and now I work from home. If my business is not the success I want it to be, I will go back to working out of the home. Not because I love working (although I do like what I do most days!) but because I need to feel like I have some independence and control. It sends me to a dark place when I feel like I don’t have enough control over money and the choices that relate to that (career or whatever).

I know a lot of people who think that being a mom is a full-time job (it is). And I know people who think if you are able to “afford” it, it’s best to focus on your children, at least during their early years. And that’s not wrong, but it is not for me. It’s easy if you haven’t been in someone else’s shoes to not understand why they make the choices they do. But some things run deeper than they seem. Working can be about so much more than money, for example. It can be about self-esteem and autonomy; it can be about control and security. And THAT is why I work. For me.

archived under: Working At Home

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November 3rd, 2009

Hiding From Them

Today was “my” day. The day I have no kids in the house for 7 hours. Except I did, because BigBoy was sick and stayed home with me. He was quiet and I barely noticed him in all honesty. He watched tv in our upstairs tv room with a water bottle to keep him hydrated. I asked him several times if he was hungry but he really didn’t have any appetite.

Still, it wasn’t the day I was looking forward to at all. The last four weeks I had volunteered on my free day in BigBoy’s classroom while they took skating lessons. It left me some time to get some work done, but none of the free time I so long for. Especially with DH working away I feel the weight of my responsibilities weighing me down. My free day is supposed to be the one day in a week when I can feel free for a little while. Free to go to the library alone, or to do some window shopping or maybe even get my hair done. Little things really – I have simple dreams!

So tonight I feel the weight almost crushing me. I’m the mom, I have to be here, I have to take care of them, especially when they are sick or tired or hungry or thirsty or just in need of hugs. But I haven’t had any time to take care of me it seemed and since the lovely time change has made BabyBoy decide to wake up at 5 am I was extra tired and cranky by the time 6pm rolled around. After yet another spilled cup of milk and a cranky baby screeching at me when I told him no, I ran and hid. Literally. I snuck to the basement stairs and closed the door behind me, knowing BabyBoy couldn’t open it. I went and folded a load of laundry (I know – what a rebel I am!), all the while listening to BabyBoy howl for me. He cannot stand when he can’t see me. And I didn’t want to go back up. How sad is that.

Thankfully they are all in bed and tonight the BigBoy has only a mild fever so I should be able to rest easier. Last night he was hovering close to 105 degrees and I was terrified. I put him in my bed to sleep so I could check his head regularly – he started to cool off in the wee morning hours, you know, just before BabyBoy woke me up for good Now it is quiet and peaceful for a few rare moments and I think I should get off this laptop and actually go enjoy them!

archived under: Boys Boys Boys, Mommy

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October 1st, 2009

Work at Home Thankfulness

I was reading a post on Casual Friday Everyday about being able to do certain things because you are a work at home mom. And let me tell you – this week, more than ever, I was extremely thankful to be a wahm. First LittleBoy got sick. Then BabyBoy got sick and now, of course, BigBoy is taking his turn with the virus. Not that it’s the same virus – BabyBoy had a fever and now a rash (I’m thinking Roseola, because I like to use Dr. Google for my health questions, lol) and the other two had/have a nasty little stomach virus that results in vomiting and diarrhea. Fun or what?

I would have easily had to miss three days of work if I worked in my old office job. They would not have been impressed (I know from experience!) This week, it was a little hectic, especially Tuesday when I had a project to work on and a clingy BabyBoy, but I got it done by working around him, literally. Yep, he sat in my lap and I worked. Then he napped and I worked HARD!

In addition to my regular work this week, I’m putting together little gift packages for my clients to thank them for the opportunities to work with them – my first year in business finally being over and having been full of challenges and anxiety – I really appreciate the clients who have partnered with me. Without them I would not be a work at home mom right now – I might be a sahm, with less money, but I’m glad I’m able to have career goals still, and be here for these times – the sick times, the field trip times, the sneaking out to the park times.